sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
