So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
