the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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