apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
