I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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