Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
