Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Randomize
