This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
