I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
