I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
