im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
