he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
