Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
