This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
