you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
