I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
