I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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