Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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