This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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