I have demons in me.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
