already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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