my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
