Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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