god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
