Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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