i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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