Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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