Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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