theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Life is so much better after having sex.
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I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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