So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
