i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
