She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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