I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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