Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
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Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
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My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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