awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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