My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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