is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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