The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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