I look better un-naked...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
