Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
