Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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