its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
