when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
