Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
