I'm jealous of your bromance
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
