I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
apparently the secret to your success is patron
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
