just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
