I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
