You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
