I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
