Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
