we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
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you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
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My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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