My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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