My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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