I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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