I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
