My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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