Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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