This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
