There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
